People tend to think of winter as the soul-crushing time of year that you just do your best to endure, but depending on what part of America you live in, it could be summer that tests your will to live and the reliability of your A/C.
In the name of freedom and pseudoscience, we’ve taken the liberty of ranking the top eight states according to their level of summer misery, factoring in both the weather and the available ways to combat that weather.
Ask any authority on all things Southern to weigh in on where he’d least like to be during summer. “Mississippi. It’s so hot. It’s hot, and there’s nothing to do. Ya’ll can only spend so much time chilling out in a casino!”
How about this, taken from a city-data.com message board about unpleasant summers: “Mississippi and Louisiana feel like ovens 24 hours a day, even at nighttime during the summer.”
Sorry friends, there’s a ton to recommend a trip to Louisiana, just not during the steamy summer, please.
At what point does the “dry heat” argument lose its luster? Could it be when the temperature goes up to 120 DEGREES and summer days merely consist of retired people in air-conditioned cars driving slowly around mall parking lots looking for spots that are marginally close to the shade?
Not there yet? How about when it’s too hot for planes to take off? (More than 40 flights were cancelled on June 17, 2017 because it is too hot for the planes to fly.)
It’s only dry heat, they say. Yeah, but so is the oven! Maybe three is too generous?
The People of Alabama asked the Lord that He grant them their worldly right to play Football in All Seasons and the Lord granted this wish with mild winters and hot, humid summers.
But then the People went back to the Lord and asked if maybe He could tamp down the Humidity a tad because of Perspiration Issues and also if he knew anything about the Mosquito Problem, but then the Lord mentioned something about telling Moses to make a fiery serpent and set it on a pole and The People kind of just left it alone and so now here we are.
Here’s a typical summer Friday afternoon in Atlanta: I-85 is a parking lot in both directions, with people from around the state heading inbound to party and Atlantans heading outbound to be—well, anywhere else. But no matter where they end up, both parties will spend their evenings fending off mosquitoes in the Georgia pines and swamp ass on all fronts.
It’s slightly cooler if you head farther north—just not anywhere near cool enough.
It is so hard to generalize about Texas weather. Texas is the size of two Germanys! Do people in Bavaria have the same weather as people in, um, the other region of Germany that isn’t Bavaria? I think not. And yet, it is tempting to generalize here, mostly because that is the entire point of this arbitrary exercise. So here we go: Texas summers are hot as hell.
During the summer, the only time you’re ever comfortable is for that brief period of time after you get out of a pool of water while your body is confused and wet.
Southern Florida’s tropical climate during the summer is like walking around inside a steam room, except the steam room is filled with alligators. Northern Florida is more temperate, which allows people to get more alarmingly sunburned at the Flora-Bama while tossing mullets.
In defense of our arbitrary state rankings, we feel compelled to point out that the Gulf Stream keeps rather nice weather in most of Florida year-round, and Florida’s beaches have the warmest surface temp in the continental US.
8. South Carolina
Little-known fact: During the summer months, the South Carolina town of Mount Pleasant renames itself “Mount How Is It Possible That My Body Is Both Slippery and Sticky Right Now Don’t Touch Me I’m Gross It’s Even Too Hot to Enjoy a Plate of Mustard-Forward Barbecue Pass The Sweet, Black Cherry Bliss of Cheerwine (Yeah, It’s Not Wine) As It Is My Only Refuge From This Unyielding Hazy Inferno.”
For real. They have to change the signs and everything.
Each day I will rise and greet the morning sun, for it is a good day.